Section 5: New Zealand at the Front 1917; Pages 61 to 76

A LITTLE CONVERSATION

She might have found a more agreeable spot for her work, for the place was very filthy, and a foul manure heap was only a few yards away. Sanitation, however, is not regarded as a necessity in Belgian farms;

It was the lace-making that opened the way for conversation.Pauline was a refugee, I found, and had not seen her home in the north for nearly three years. She showed me her lace, and told me how she had learnt to make it. There were forty little girls in the Convent, and they all sat in one large room. They had to show something accomplished, something done, every day, and it had to be done without any mistakes. Pauline was not an apt pupil, she told me, and had cried often. But she was very glad she had learnt it ; it helped to pass the time. Poor homesick Pauline !

C. J. W.

• THERE'S a certain new branch of the Army that the long-service soldier turns down, 
  • For 'e reckons that anyone's "barmy" who joins it, in field or in town, 
  • And the hoary old Colonels and Majors expound on this theme to their sons. 
  • If you've got a fatigue that's revolting - just send for your new Lewis guns
  • "Minnies" or  "Rum-jars," the H.E. beloved by the Huns,
  • All come alike to the Rough-necks - bump up your four Lewis Guns.
• When Fritz has been strafing support lines, and artillery's not to be had,
  • Let your infantry always take cover, in case the shell-fire gets too bad ;
  • But use your L.G. teams with boldness (as per-handbooks provided at Sling)
  • Though they treat your suggestion with coldness, remember that they're just the thing.
  • Set 'em the job of a Vickers, on indirect fire, traverse, runs-
  • Save up your old eighteen pounders, and slop in our new Lewis Guns
• Men you bring your men back from the trenches, you always take care from the first
  • To exclude them from wine and from wenches - with longings for these they are curst. 
  • Allow them in place of the "lotion " stiff drill with a route march or two. 
  • This will serve to dispel any notion that pay, rum, or rations are due.
  • Marching in rear in the column: full pack and a head ache that stuns :
  • Meeting a guard on arrival. Ho ! where are those four Lewis Guns ?

L'ENVOI

• DEAR, if o' nights you restless lie,
  • If sleep your pillow shuns,
  • The oft-used axiom's safe to try
  • Call up your Lewis Guns! 

R. H. DALHOUSIE.

How The Padre's Horse Got Lost . . . and Found

TRY SMILING

WHEN the rations come up short
And you don't get half you ought,
It's no use to raise a strafe ;
That won't bring the other half-
Try smiling.

If your dinner you've begun,
And our playful friend the Hun
Drops a " sausage " on your plate,
Do not sing the Hymn of Hate-
Try smiling.

When you get the blooming hump
Carrying sandbags to the Dump,
And to make things rather worse
It comes on to rain, don't curse-
Try smiling.

When you go before the "Quack,"
Having pains across your back,
And he orders "Number Nine,"
It is little use to whine-
Try smiling.

When you feel as if the war
Would go on for evermore,
Just remember that it can*t
Then make up your mind it shan't-
Try smiling.

C. BAKER.

Q - IN 1920 !

(With an apology to Stephen Leacoch)

" I can get nothing done ! There's that blank fellow Blank ! Did you ever in all your life see such a blank blank blank incompetent fellow on this blank earth? "

The cowering Corporal crawled under the table for protection, and stayed there. Then the Head of the Department proceeded with his work. Occasionally he looked up, ran his fingers through his hair, and glared at me. I was afraid to move or speak.

With a few furtive glances I noted his surroundings. On his table, were a fountain-pen, a red pencil, a sheet of paper, and a copy of La Vie Parisienne. His bookshelf held a dictionary and a ready reckoner. Hanging from a nail on the wall, so that it could be read at a glance, was a copy of the multiplication table.

He became absorbed in his work, glancing first at the multiplication table and then taking up the copy of La Vie Parisienne.

" Hush ! " said an orderly who entered stealthily. "' Do not disturb him yet. He is engaged upon a mathematical calculation."

"Good Lord! " I said. Why does he tax his brains with such difficult work ? " 

It appeared that he was busy with a report to the Corps Commander. The problem was this: If two mules can draw two hundredweight of paté de foie gras on a trench tramway two feet wide with a grade of one in a hundred on a curve of one in fifty as laid down by a New Zealand engineer, what will be the weight of the two mules and the name of the muleteer ?

"Upon the solution of that problem," whispered the orderly, " will depend the feeding and the equipment of this Army for the next three years."

Here the man took a hasty glance at the multiplication table, laid down the copy of La Vie Parisienne, ran his fingers through his hair again, and made a few figures on the sheet of paper.

"But," I ventured, still under my breath, for I was really afraid, " cannot that matter be solved by some practical means ? "

"Impossible !" he muttered.

And when will he be able to send in the report ? " I asked.

"Oh ! there's no great hurry for that," was the reply. - "He's been on it ever since the Battle of Messines, in 1917."

"But in the meantime the troops will starve How are they to get their food ?"

" Quite a simple proposition," he answered. "They can buy it from the inhabitants of the country. There's lots of food in the country."

At this stage another orderly came in with a letter in a large envelope marked " URGENT." He left hurriedly.

The man at the table was now working furiously. He tore the envelope open with his teeth, and read the contents with one eve while with the other eye he continued to absorb the mathematical problem - with the aid of the multiplication table.

Apparently the letter he had received was something to do with the transport, for he shifted the eye that was engaged on mathematical problem to the letter, and, again running his fingers through his hair, glared at me with both eyes and asked me to bear witness that the transport was the blank blank blank limit !

I agreed.

His voice came in a giant crescendo like the roar of heavy howitzers on the eve of a great battle.

I could see that he was getting annoyed. The poor man who had been all this time under the table now seized the opportunity to crawl quietly out of the room.

I whispered to the orderly that perhaps I, too, had better withdraw.

" Oh. no ! " he said. " He hasn't really noticed you yet. Your turn will come".

I began to get more nervous, and sidled over to the other end of the room, which was covered with a large map giving the positions of all the important units in the Army - the Baths, the Barbers, the Laundry, the Hospital for Infectious Diseases, the Divisional Theatre, the Field Cashier, the Football Team, the Sixteen Cinemas, the Heavy Artillery, and all the Estaminets that were out of bounds to anyone but officers.

The orderly on duty, seeing me interested, crept up to my side and whispered that that map was private and confidential. He added that it was of great importance that no information about the dispositions of the most important units of the Army ,should get out to the enemy. They could not be too careful about these things. It was only then that I noticed that the map was marked "SECRET."

" But," I asked, " where - is the necessity for secrecy ? There is nothing to show how the trenches are being held. Where are the men who are holding the line ? "

"Oh," he replied, "they're all at the horse show and the football match. Soldiering nowadays is an exact science. It's all worked out by mathematics. If there are no soldiers in the trenches it stands to reason that they cannot be defeated by the enemy."

It began to dawn on me that this would be a long war.

All this time the man was working very hard with the multiplication table and the sheet of paper. Instinctively one felt that so long as the paper supply held out the war would go on.

Two officers came in without knocking'. They wore red tabs, and had on their sleeves multi-coloured bands embroidered with gold and diamonds. " We want leave," they said ; leave for London and Paris, especially Paris."

" Right 0 ! " said the man, taking the eye off the multiplication, table and smiling pleasantly. " Two years' leave granted. Report in usual course and they will make you out a movement order. This will have to be countersigned by all the different Heads of the Army, but if that takes about a year you will be able to make up for it by getting your leave extended for another year."

The officers saluted and left the room, backwards. The man then ran his fingers through his hair once more, picked up the copy of La Vie Parisienne, turned over a new page, and chuckled. Then he saw me. Immediately he resumed his sterner aspect.

"Well, what do you want?" he said, glaring at me, and at the same time throwing his fountain-pen at the wall. It stuck, quivering, in the wood, in the middle of a great splash of ink, which seemed to indicate that he had done this many times successfully.

"If you please, sir," I said tremblingly, "I have come to get some information about the feeding of your great and glorious Army. I am a War Correspondent."

" Take him out and have him shot ! " he roared to the orderly ; and then, with one last withering glance in my direction, he turned once more to the multiplication table hanging on the nail, and proceeded to strike a balance in the Wet Canteen Account, which showed a profit of £915,000 for the half-year.

The orderly took me out and placed me up against a brick wall. I waited a long time. Luckily, he could not find a firing party.

They were all away at the football match and the horse show.

A. Q. M. G.

• 0H THOU whose image hangs upon the Cross !
  • How must Thy tender heart be torn with pain
• To see the magnitude of this world's loss,
  • To know how shallow, worthless is its gain
• Was it for this the sacrifice was made,
  • Thy Life laid down to save the world from strife ?
• Was it for this the mighty price was paid,
  • That War and Famine might with Lust be rife ?
• There in Thy tree-girt roadside sanctuary
  • Thy limbs are pierced, by head thorn-crowned once more
• By Man, who in his blind rage cannot see
  • Nor hear Thee knocking at his deaf heart's door.
• So while the thund'ring, ceaseless guns belch forth
  • Dread messengers of Death and agony,
• Drunk with his hate and furious in his wrath,
  • Man doth forget Thy cross on Calvary.
• 0-Light of all the World! Man's blindness heal !
  • This furious clash of armaments curtail,
• Before Man doth in rage his own fate seal,
  • Working his doom beneath the battles' flail.
• Teach us to come with chastened hearts to Thee,
  • Bind up our wounds and cleanse our hearts from sin, 
• So will the fight be won, and Mankind free,
  • And Peace and Love may once more enter in.

C. R. A.

THE UNKNOWN

"Two unknown New Zealand soldiers lie here." Inscription on a small wooden cross on the battlefield.

• I WONDER do you hear the summer breezes sighing
  • As they bend the wild flowers down to kiss your grave
• Brave comrades from the Outer Lands, we greet you, lying 
  • In the stricken land you nobly died to save.

R. H. ASHCROFT.